


Something Not Quite There

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted to be brave once. . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Not Quite There

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hello my dearest readers! So I'm rather nervous about this one and this is an entirely new style for me but here it is! Enjoy!
> 
> EDIT 08/06/15: I decided to do a few tweaks to this fic upon rereading because it was a nightmare, especially in punctuation. So if you notice some changes that's probably it.

 

 

He wanted to be brave once, lifetimes ago.

When he was a small child shivering under the covers as his parent's shouts echoed through the entire house, he desperately wanted to be brave. His mother hated the thought of having a son who was practically a squib and his father hated his mother for not loving her own child.

When he dreamt of glassy eyes and mangled corpses.

When the shouts and screams echoed across the street, as he stood there helpless to save his friends.

He wanted to be brave once.

He never was.

 

* * *

 

_The Sorting Hat had only rested on Peter's head a few seconds before it proclaimed him a Gryffindor to the entire hall._

_The only thing that passed through Peter Pettigrew's stunned mind was that the hat made a mistake in thinking he could be as brave as his sister._

 

* * *

 

Peter felt his heart hammering in his chest as he saw the skull and snake hovering above his house.

He ran towards the porch and wrenched the front door open, his wand at the ready.

The living room was in shambles. Chairs had been overturned, the fireplace had been demolished, there were several burn marks on the walls and floors, and his father's prized muggle motors collection lay scattered on the floor. At the centre of the carnage sat his mother sobbing into Elaine's arms.

"What happened?" he demanded as he knelt towards his mother and embraced her. She collapsed into his arms, with great heaving sobs, clinging to him like a lifeline.

"Death Eaters," said Elaine.

"Why would they come here?" he asked hearing the anger in his tone. They didn't know about him. They couldn't have possibly known about him. He was mostly a spy for the order and he was more than sure that they have never seen him before. The Death Eaters couldn't have possibly known about him. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach but ignored it, He didn't think he was ready to ask why his mother was crying so hard or why his sister was here. Not yet.

Elaine looked down and didn't reply. A tense silence passed over the siblings, interrupted only by their mother's sobs.

"Where's dad?" he asked finally mustering up the courage. His mother gave a loud cry and shook harder against his shoulder. Peter looked at Elaine.

"Well?" his voice sounded cold and distant, as if he was hearing it from a very great height.

"Pete—"

"Don't call me that," he said, voice perfectly even. He didn't understand that, there was a storm raging inside him for some reason but his voice was perfectly even. Elaine was looking at him with sad eyes that held no small amount of pity and maybe a little grief as well. A knot tightened at his heart and his throat felt thick. Why was she just looking at him and not answering his question?

"Just tell me where he is." He heard a slight crack in his voice but his sister didn't seem to have noticed.

"He's gone Peter," said Elaine quietly.

"No." Peter felt all the resentments that had built up since the day she had left come out and envelop him turning him into something he didn't quite know.

"He's gone Peter," repeated his sister.

"No he's not gone," he said. Everything felt incredibly still. "This is all a joke. Just stop it now, it's not funny. Where is he?"

"Peter," said Elaine reaching out to touch him. Peter drew back and his mother was left in his sister's arms.

"Get out," His voice was still calm, even, and he doesn't really understand why. His father is dead and there is a storm raging inside of him, containing a great monstrous beast ready to kill the nearest victim. He should be screaming, and crying, and raging, and it certainly felt that way in his head but his body remained still. No tears came to his eyes.

"Get out," he said again when Elaine only looked at him confusedly. "You haven't been in this house for years and now you're here. Why? Do you feel guilty? For abandoning us, for killing him? This is all your fault! Now GET OUT!"

He didn't wait for her to obey, just pushed her away and bolted towards the master bedroom ignoring his sister and mother's calls.

That was where he found him.

He lay on his face, pale and still. Peter saw that his eyes had remained open, staring sightlessly at a spot just in front of him. He knelt down gently and placed his hand over his father's eyes. They still felt a little warm, like there was still a little life left in him. He checked his father for a pulse on the neck and found none. He put to fingers to his nose to ckeck for breath and once again found none.

Dead. His father was dead.

His eyes still remained dry and for the life of him he couldn't understand why.

 

* * *

 

" _What's your name?" Peter looked up from his pillow to the imposing figure of Sirius Black._

" _P-P-Peter," he managed to stutter out._

" _I'm Sirius," said Sirius Black._

" _I know," said Peter and mentally hit himself a moment later. "I'm-meant-"_

" _Don't worry about it. That's what everyone says," muttered Sirius under his breath before flopping on the bed right next to Peter. This was all so surreal to Peter that he just stood there gaping at the pureblood. "Thought I'd still say it though."_

_Peter was about to say something when James Potter burst into the room followed by Remus. James Potter sent a glare Sirius Black's way and the other boy glared back. Peter suddenly felt very small and shrunk back on the bed. He cast a furtive look towards the two boys near the doorway and saw that Remus seemed to be sharing the same sentiments._

" _What are you doing here?" demanded James Potter._

_Sirius looked at him in contempt._

" _If you hadn't gotten it in your thick skull that I live here, then you probably never will," he said._

_James opened and closed his mouth several times before Sirius finally rolled his eyes and stood up._

" _There is too much stupid in this room" he declared and dragged Peter with him to the Great Hall despite the fact that supper was about two hours away._

 

* * *

 

"Will you join us?" asked the Death Eater her wand pointed at Peter's chin. The Death Eater was Sirius' cousin, Bellatrix. It was truly terrifying to be tortured beyond reason and to have to look at his torturer's face and see his best friend's eyes. "You are the one who approached us after all."

Peter nodded. He'll do anything, absolutely anything, to make the pain stop. And she was right, Peter had been the one who found them. He had  _wanted_ this.

Bellatrix tilted her head in the same way Sirius did sometimes when he was watching the Slytherins they were going to prank, like a predator watching its prey.

"Do you mean that Pettigrew?"

Peter nodded again feeling his entire body trembling.

"Yes" he gasped "P-pl-plea-ease, yes"

Bellatrix nodded in satisfaction. He felt strong hands pick him up and lift him to his feet. He was still struggling to keep himself upright when Bellatrix said: "You are ready to see the Dark Lord now. Try not to get yourself killed."

 

* * *

 

_Peter fidgeted slightly in his living room next to his parents as he waited for his friends to arrive for afternoon tea. It was nearly time, his friends would come, wouldn't they? They had promised. Sirius even said that he fought his parents tooth and nail just to be allowed to go to a half-blood's house for tea. Remus' parents were also quite hesitant to allow him for some reason. Out of all of Peter's friends, James was the only one who didn't have trouble getting permission. Peter was actually under the impression that there was little James' parents wouldn't allow him._

_The fireplace suddenly burst into green flames and everyone sitting in the living room jumped to their feet. A tall bespectacled boy, grinning from ear to ear, stepped out of the fire closely followed by another slightly smaller boy with pale skin and grey eyes._

_Peter grinned, the tension draining from his posture._

" _James! Sirius!" he cried happily._

_James and Sirius grinned at him before turning to his parents._

" _James Potter, ma'am, at your service," said James with more respect than Peter had ever seen him with teachers._

_Sirius made a gesture, which was almost a bow and said: "And I'm Sirius Black"_

" _It's nice to finally meet you boys," said his mother kindly_

_Peter's mother opened had opened her mouth to say something when the fireplace once again burst into flames and Remus Lupin stepped out._

_The three boys' expressions, if possible, brightened even further._

" _Remy!" said James as Sirius dragged Remus to the living room._

" _I'm Remus Lupin ma'am," said Remus turning slightly red at James and Sirius' more than enthusiastic treatment._

" _Well," said Peter's mother. "I'm Marissa, Peter's mother. Now that we're all properly introduced would you boys like to go in the dining room for some tea?"_

_James and Sirius nodded happily and followed Peter's mother towards the kitchen. The rest of the day went off without a hitch, Peter's father even managed to stop by from his work to meet his friends. It was the first time that Peter remembered enjoying himself at his house for a very long time._

_By the time his friends had to go home, he still couldn't keep the smile tugging at his lips._

 

* * *

 

James looked at Sirius hesitantly.

"Are you sure you about this Pads?" he asked. Sirius nodded.

"No one would expect this," he said. "We'd all be safe"

 _No!_ Peter wanted to scream at him.  _You won't be safe, not if you make me do this._

He knows that he'll go to the Dark Lord the moment he becomes the secret-keeper. It was his safety net, the only thing that's been keeping him alive for the past few months. James, and Lily, and Harry will die if he becomes the secret-keeper.

He remained silent.

A week before Halloween Potters went into hiding under the Fidelus Charm with Peter Pettigrew as their secret keeper.

 

* * *

 

_James, Sirius, and Peter were sitting alone in the Gryffindor Common Room, quite late into the night. Remus was off seeing away seeing his ill grandmother. Peter was currently recounting a humorous story from his childhood involving a toy broomstick and several pears, as James attempted to do his Defence homework and Sirius lounged by the fireplace lazily._

" _And then Elaine just swooped—"_

" _Elaine?" asked Sirius._

" _My sister" explained Peter "so anyway—"_

" _Elaine Pettigrew!" said James in sudden realization. He dropped his Defence homework and looked at him as if he had grown another head. Peter bit his tongue and shifted in his seat in the uncomfortably. He could feel his face getting red. He hadn't meant to mention his sister in the conversation at all. He thought of denying it, of saying that it was a different Elaine since Elaine was a very common name after all but found himself unable to lie under James' scrutiny._

" _Yeah, she's my older sister," he repeated feeling his cheeks go red._

_James still stared at him as if he had never known him that Sirius had to kick him in the shin to snap him out of it._

" _Why is this surprising," he asked exasperatedly, "How many Pettigrews do you know?"_

_If this had happened earlier in the year it would have most certainly caused an argument, but now James only turned his stunned eyes to Sirius. The two of them seemed to have become best friends overnight._

" _Nothing, just surprising that's all," said James with a shrug before turning to Peter again with eagerness in his eyes._

" _What's she like?" he asked_

" _I don't know," said Peter fidgeting slightly. "She hasn't come home in a while."_

_Peter didn't really want to go into full detail that his sister had basically disowned her entire family in favour of rising in the ministry._

" _For the love of Merlin James," said Sirius suddenly. "Finish your Defence homework already. I really don't fancy seeing Professor Hepburn turn you into a toad."_

_James snorted. "Like he could"_

_Peter shot Sirius a grateful look but the other boy was too busy stating in detail on how exactly Professor Hepburn can and probably will turn James into a toad if he doesn't finish his bloody homework to notice._

 

* * *

 

"The Potter's have made me their secret keeper, my Lord," said Peter bowing low.

"You're certain?" asked the Dark Lord's high pitched voice as he pointed his wand under Peter's chin. He felt all the hairs in his neck stand up as he tried to suppress a shudder.

Peter swallowed and nodded.

He felt the Dark Lord's power entering his mind, looking, searching, as it destroyed his sanity in the process.

He remembered his father's furious eyes as Elaine walked out the door and the tears on his mother's face.

He remembered his mother's disappointed eyes as she looked at him standing next to James and Sirius.

He remembered his father's corpse and how warm it had been when Peter had touched it. Just a moment too late.

He remembered standing in front of James, Lily and Harry, as the Fidelus Charm was cast.

He remembered how heavy the secret had felt in his chest in the beginning.

Peter collapsed to the ground with a gasp. He raised his head to see the Dark Lord's pale form and sinister eyes.

"Tell me!" demanded the Dark Lord and Peter did.

 

* * *

 

" _You're not angry?"_

_The three other occupants of the second year Gryffindor boys dormitory stared at Remus as if he had gone mad._

" _Angry?" asked James a tinge of amusement colouring his voice. "Of all the things to ask-Of course we're not angry Remy."_

" _You've been avoiding me..." said Remus quietly "and it's alright if you are—"_

" _No it's not," said Sirius firmly "We were just being mighty pricks in avoiding you. You didn't deserve any of that."_

" _You're our friend Remus," added Peter. "And being a werewolf doesn't change that."_

_Peter saw Remus flinch slightly at the word werewolf but didn't say anything._

" _You're not scared?" asked Remus as if he were afraid of the answer. At the question James actually laughed._

" _Of course we're scared of you," laughed James and Remus lost what little colour left in his face. He opened his mouth to say something but James continued on "You're the only person we know that can manage to stay awake in History of Magic."_

" _Anyone who can do that is absolutely terrifying," agreed Sirius._

" _The werewolf bit's not too scary," continued James nonchalantly. "It's just a furry little problem, that's all."_

_Remus looked at all of them as if he couldn't quite make up his mind on whether to laugh or cry._

" _You're our friend Remus," said Peter sincerely._

" _And besides who would stop us from too much marauding without you?" asked Sirius._

" _Marauding?" asked Remus faintly. Sirius shrugged and James and Peter laughed._

" _Marauders that's us," chirped James happily putting an arm around Remus and Sirius. Sirius put his arm around Peter and he felt as if he finally belonged somewhere. "And Marauders don't leave anyone behind."_

 

* * *

 

Sirius had him cornered in a muggle street with a mad look in his eyes. Peter's eyes darted back and forth looking for an escape and finding none. Looking at the murderous look and at the crowd which was starting to form, Peter reached into his coat and fingered the knife his father had given him, his wand arm twitching, his entire body tense. He looked straight at Sirius.

Sirius looked exactly like his cousin as he raised his wand, a predator about to make a kill. Peter cast his spell before Sirius got the chance, the one that they had once found in Snape's potion text book labelled explosion. Amidst the smoke and chaos took out his knife and sliced off a finger on his wand arm in one swift motion, before transforming into a rat.

He bolted for the sewers before Sirius spotted him.

As the smoke cleared, Sirius stood at the centre of a deep crater with several muggle bodies mutilated beyond recognition. There was utter silence in the street save for a soft sniffling sound coming from Sirius. At first, Peter thought he was crying, that he had finally done the one thing that would make Sirius Black break down and cry. As the sound got louder though, Peter realized he was mistaken, Sirius wasn't crying,  _he was laughing_. High pitched snickers that grew into chuckles then into a full-blown laugh. It wasn't the bark of a laugh that he usually bellowed out though. This laugh was high pitched, hysterical and tinged with madness. It was a laugh that was just on the verge of crying.

Peter knew that Sirius laughed because he couldn't afford to cry, not with Peter still on the loose.

He pushed back the guilt that welled up in his chest and scurried away before he failed.

He wanted to be brave once.

But this-It's not cowardice. He told it to himself over and over again as he ran deeper and deeper into the sewers, until he almost believed it.

It's not cowardice. It's survival.

.

.

.

-Fini-

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://pdfcct.tumblr.com/)! Come say hi :)


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